Bring it on!

Today i had my final dr apt before the take down surgery. Well actually it wasn't really a dr apt so much as a pre op procedure, my surgeon wasn't there for it. This was the enema/xray. There 's a specific name for this enema but hell if i remember. It was an outpatient procedure at the hospital. Apparently you're supposed to be npo for this but no one told me that, I was gonna be so pissed if they made me reschedule! So they put this little tube up your little bum and the liquid goes up there then the tab,e i was laying on had a cat scan like apparatus that pulled out and then an x Ray that came over me. They have me turn over on all sides while the contrast is inside me and take x rays. The point of the enema is to look for leaks in the pouch. If there are none then I'll be good to go for the take down. I'll find out in a few days, the pa said it takes about 2-3 days to get the results back. While i was laying on the table the most amazing feeling came over me and i couldn't resist a smile. I just felt like this was right. I've been a little nervous that this test would reveal leaks and I would have to keep the bag, which even though i said its getting easier to deal with doesn't mean I want to have it one second longer Than I have to. But I'm not afraid anymore I'm not worried that I shouldn't have gotten this surgery, i know this needed to happen and i am on my way to a blissful existence without pills or shots! I can't tell you how excited i am to have this surgery in less Than even one week. It's such a weird thing to say because who looks forward to a surgery, but this is going to give me my life back and how is that not the most exciting thing. I mean my descent into sickness was so fast I really can't believe that I would have miraculously gotten better. From may to december I was on steroids, then remicade which I had a severe allergy to, then humira, there wasn't really anywhere else to turn. And you know that disease had taken enough from me. During my hospitalization I lost my job, my apartment, my relationship, not to mention a major organ. But I suppose that contributes to the excitement b/c I have absolutely nothing holding me back. I can do anything, anywhere in the world, and i plan to.

To admit i am so over dealing with this ostomy bag. I try leaving the house and going to do "normal" things like going to target, out the the movies things like that but i just get so anxious I kind of turn into a bitch. The bag fills up and it's just like pulling on me, it hurts something awful and it scares me that I'll have a leak out in public and I just sort of freak out. It doesn't help that none of my clothes fit, I'm down 20 pounds I weigh 130 now, went from a size10 to a 4 and i worry that the weight loss will continue as my pouch heals. I know the more often you use the bathroom the more likely you are to loss weight.

But at the end of the day i consider myself immensely lucky. You hsve to. The fact that this is even possible, that while its a huge thing and quite intrusive, there is an option to end the suffering and gain a healthy active life is beyond amazing.

Less than a week until my stoma is gone for good. I am so excited.

so this is a picture of the bag and kind of what it looks like on your (my) body, they make ostomy pouches that help make it a little more discreet in clothing but I figured it will be gone soon enough why bother


then this is what my stoma looks like without anything on it.




******I've been meaning to post pictures b/c i know some of this stuff is hard to visualize, i just haven't had the time, actually I've had nothing but time lol I just haven't done ti yet. I promise I will. I've debated whether or not to pit up pictures of my stoma, do i really want to be that vulnerable? But i think it's the best idea to show the reality of what this is.