i seriously think i'm gonna get like body dismorphic disorder or something. I can't stop examining my body. Its so much smaller than when i started and it happened so fast i definately don't see myself as a small person, which i sort have become. and the fact that i have to keep such an eye on my weight i obsess over every SINGLE pound. I weigh myslef daily to make sure i'm keeping weight on. If i start losing weght it means either i'm eating the wrong things and they're going right through me, or again I'm not absorbing the nutrition, which would be worse, the diet i can fix, the other probably requires more doctors. I'm done with doctors. then too I have to get used to all the scars. my little hole has closed up and today the scab fell off so i guess its officially healed which means i can stop the peroxide cleanings so thats nice, but it didn't heal the way i expected. I thought it would scar over completely insted its like...an indentation, really it almost looks like a second belly button. it bothers me to be honest i think i look wierd, kind of freaky, but i'm sure as time passes I'll get used to it, its just an after effect that will go away with time but i definately find myself more self concious and concerned about my body. its a new and strange feeling.
i saw the surgeon a week after my release from the hospital. they just wanted to check in on how my hole was healing and see how everything was working. I've come to expect that everytime I see him somethings going up there lol. so not my favorite part but if it helps him figure out that everytings as it should i'll deal. this time he wanted to make sure that there was no scar tissue forming, I don't know what that would mean for my recovery but apparently there was none.
When i first started to use the bathroom again I was going about 14 to 15 times a day. Day ten I was able to start taking Lomotil. This is an anti dhiarreal (?) medication, it just slows everything so you aren't living in the bathroom, it takes a few days but its definately nice. I'm now down to about 8 to 9. this is great for the future because i'll just keep seeing that number drop, I'm only waking up once a night sometimes not at all. I'm only a month into this and some people are at 6 times at the end of this, I/m already almost there now! I'm so determined to be at 2 a day by teh time this is all said and done. Fabulous!
eating is no where near as fun as it used to be, its way more functional. I'm super scared to introduce new foods. I don't know why I know its something I need to do but I don't know I guess that I'm scared its going to mess up this diet plan I have going which is working so well and it'll slow my progress. but I have figured out that sugar free candies like werthers and frozen yogurt sit well so at least i can get a little bit of a sweet fix if i need it ;)
I really feel like a normal person again! when I had the bag i just hated to be out in the world, it made me anxious and angry. Now I can't wait to get out there, I'm back to my social butterfly self, flapping those wings!!! I move in with my best friend in 2 weeks and I am too excited I love my family for taking me in when everyone else was leaving me but man I am ready to get out of here lol I suppose that's a good thing though, means I'm healthy again. And man am I! the dark circles are slowly fading away, I've got some pink back in my skin, slowly but surely my body is undoing the damage that was done. we'll see though for sure once I see my primary care physician. She's the one who'll tell me what's really goin on, like if my body is finally producing iron on its own and if the vitamins are sticking. I see the surgeon in about a week and a half. let you know how it goes!
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